whereisbill

haven't been on here in forever. finally got a desktop, internet and cable. lots of shit going on. been busy as shit. im changing a lot at this point in my life. i have an extremely strong emotional attachment to someone i shouldn't, and with all my will power, i can't help it. i let it get to me and i shouldn't. i get self-destructive. hardcore opiates keep me sane.

the band is doing good. we just finished recording one of our songs. we still dont have a name.

i'm going with my ex, alexis, to her brothers wedding. it'll be kind of awkward, but what ever. i get to dress up and see an old friend.

i'm learning how to manage my money. i need a girlfriend. blah blah blah. i'm going to go get a shower.

at this point

i'm super lonely.

i know once i get into my place and have things settled, i can talk to no one and things will be perfect. i dont want to be around anyone. i know if it was me in my own controlled setting, i would be completely perfect with myself and a few animals and whatever i decide to do not including people. im just being drunk lonely and stupid.

i am self destructive. there is not skin left on my knuckles, just huge, deep scabs. i want to hurt myself. ive been like that since middle school.

I NEED MY DRUMS

today i made some good ass food.
i took some rosemary bread, started toasting it in the oven with real organic butter and started crushing some parmesano reggiano. right as the bread started to brown, i sprinkled the parmesan on top and let it toast. i sliced up a yellow heirloom tomato and got out the la quercia heirloom prosciutto (i am obsessed with prosciutto btw), and these edible flowers (the package doesn't specify which flowers they were). i put some prosciutto on top of the toast and then a slice of the tomato and a flower or two.

it was amazing. the flowers gave it a leafy aromatic flavor and everything else just complemented everything.

i am always putting together the food i have. maybe if i am always this bored, i will update my creations.

oh and i got a new phone. i never use lj anymore at all. also i am cat-sitting ashleys cat, isis. it doesn't have a tail, but shes a bitch to my cats. shes just not comfortable yet.

also, i looked at mass places in otr. i found an amazing place. its basically its own house. it has a basement, floor level and a loft area. the whole place is pretty much loft style. i am getting that one.

never mind. i win.

i have never tried to exercise true self control till now. i cannot do it. i am drawn to it. i am sad. i fail.

drugs

when you are broke and living in inhospitable conditions, life kind of sucks.

i don't come to my apartment but to feed the cats and maybe to eat and shower. if i don't have a place to sleep, i sleep on my kitchen floor under the table. my shit has bed bugs and i'm not down with sleeping where they could be. i take every precaution not to spread them or be near them. my place is trashed and looks like a fucking crack den since i am never here. sleeping on the kitchen floor sucks a dick. i have one blanket that i know i can trust. all day i just find stuff to do so i don't have to be at home.

i can't wait to move out of this place. i am throwing almost everything away, and the stuff that i am keeping is going into storage for two years. at my place, my clothes never touch the floor and my bag is always on a doorknob. its fucking embarrassing. i am going to need a place to stay for a few months once i move out of this place. i am eventually getting a place in mt adams. i will have to start from scratch. i'm down for that. i wish i didn't like drugs. i don't want to fuck my shit up. mo money mo problems. fuck.

minnie had her babies. they are cute. there are two tabbies and one black one. tonight is a bad night. i am drinking so that i can pass out instantly. i always wake up at ten when i sleep in my kitchen. i have learned recently how all of my friends suck. i don't think that excludes one person i know. well i guess it excludes a few. i'm not really sure of anything. i think i am bipolar or have something wrong with me. i'll be fine, then some miniscule thing sets me off and my mind changes completely. i will feel this huge wave of depression or something and i try my hardest to shake it, but i never can. its like i can't be around people when it happens. i can't talk to people and i get self destructive. fuck i don't know. maybe some illegal self medication is needed. or maybe i need my drums. i wish i had a place to chill except for my kitchen. i am about to put on a movie or something. my grandma let me borrow her old ass ibook.

i don't know what i need. maybe i just need out of this place and into a new place. i don't even know how i feel. i have a crush on someone... whats new. sounds like more self destruction to me. fuckkkkk.

i recently got into astral projection and active/lucid dreaming again. i tend to seek a way to leave this reality, or maybe just seeking different realities, because what isn't real? what is? i want to buy some books by robert moss. new goal: discover the akashik records.

the past few weeks or so have been eventful.

on easter, carly, samira, kali and i drove to cleveland to see acid mothers temple. which was my third time and they were AMAZING. i fucking love them so much. but anyway, samira, carly and i ate some mushrooms before the show and this dj was playing crazy music that was making me feel so intense and samira was acting like a crack head. but we made friends with this girl addy who lives in columbus. she is going to come chill with us soon. but i ended up getting drunk as fuck since the grog shop is a bar too. then after that, we went on a mission to find some pizza. we found this bar that was in an old theater. it was massive inside and had all these elaborate, colorful designs like it was from 1890 or something. but anyway, we got the best pizza we have ever had. i had some more beer and then we went on a mission to find someone with weed. that was a success since there is a club right under the grog shop. so we smoked a blunt and then decided we didn't have enough for a hotel, so my drunk/high/coming-down-from-tripping self decided to try and drive out of cleveland. the street signs fucked me up so we got trapped in cleveland for like 45 minutes, we finally made it out and slept in my car at this rest stop and some creepy ass dude was in his truck watching us for hours. i slept so much when we got home.

a few nights ago, me and some people went on an adventure in leas new van which is bad ass. we went down 50 west for a while, i showed them this creepy dam but lea was too creeped out to drive all the way down to where it was, so we went to kentucky. we parked to go to the purple people bridge, and we stopped by the hofbrauhaus to see if we could use the restrooms, but they were closed so we opened the front door and the alarm went off so we dipped and went to the bridge. no one wanted to walk over the top of the bridge except jean and i. so we did. we climbed the fence and walked across the bridge on the top. it was so much fun. when we were walking back to her van, there were about five cop cars outside the hofbrauhaus since we made the alarms go off before.

then the next day, kali, gabby, hunter and i tried to sneak in the zoo and we got caught so we found a gate that was open and got in. it was pretty fun. i love seeing the animals, but it was sad because all these beautiful animals have to be confined to small spaces, usually secluded to themselves. oh well it was really fun though.

my grandma just got a knee replacement surgery and my sister just moved to hawaii the other day. BITCH. i want to go so bad.

last night was pretty uneventful, it was ok though. i saw evan, philly and gino. that was weird. but tonight should be mass fun.

Acid Mothers Temple is playing at the grog shop in cleveland again
april 12th 9pm $10

i am going for sure. even if i'm alone. i am pumped. i swear i won't be sober this time.

i had some greeaaattt sex the other morning. i haven't had sex in a long ass time, probably like a month or two. we had to stop and take a break it was so intense. i was covered in sweat. it might have been the best sober sex i've ever had. good times.

i just downloaded this new lil wayne and juelz santana mixtape. its fucking good. my face can't be felt.


my mind changes like the wind. its so weird. i'm glad though. i won't even elaborate on this. i gotta be free. the only time i get in a bad mood is when i am trying to be with a girl. i can't be held down anymore or played with. BAM. i'm free again. no more pointless stress. i had to break free.


crowley pissed on this shirt that i never wear. not too bad. last night was pretty fun. i LOVE patron. cara's exchange student from italy, elena, bought me breakfast this morning. it was tight. she has the cutest accent and a nice ass.


once i move out of this place (i can't wait btw) i am going to have to couch surf for like two or three months living out of my bag. i will have money so i won't be a chico, i swear. i am going to need someone to take care of crowley and minnie while i don't have a place. i might have to keep them at a pet place thing for a while till i get my place. that will probably cost a lot. i am not taking anything with me after i move out of here. maybe a few things, but i am not taking ANY chances on bringing these fucking god forsaken evil bugs with me. they make me so fucking mad. everyone in clifton has them. thats one of the reasons why i am moving to mt adams. i wish i knew who gave them to me so i can beat the shit out of them. i swear if i get them again i am going to burn cincinnati to the fucking ground.


marijuana, i love you.

( don't read this )

last night, i sat in the same spot for five hours. i couldn't be around people. then after everyone left, i came out of my hole. couldn't sleep until my body forced me to at about 8 am. every time my mind wondered, i felt like i was going to explode with this intense energy, like my fist could destroy anything.


i am beyond confused. i feel played. like this is a a game. like my heart is being played with. but i don't know if thats the case, or if its a case of mutual confusion. it hurts. so bad. its my fault completely, and in every way. so i have no room to complain.


i really need to rise above this, but i don't think i will let myself. i feel like i find myself when i get like this, even though its painful, it feels like home. i can't explain myself. i take that back, i can explain myself, but i don't think anyone understands me. i am so weird.

i have never felt this emotion before.
i am about to explode.

i'm a fuck up


i did real good with this one.

this is why i don't get involved with girls.

i get self destructive.

i wish i had some weed so bad. i have two .5mg orange footballs and two 1mg blue xannie tabs and a 10mg cyclobenzaprine. i've been saving up pills that people give me. idk why.

anyway, this entry in pointless, i just needed to get a little bit out. i just don't feel like stressing. fuck. i know this situation is my fault in the first place. i don't feel like playing games, so i'm about to just stop trying with this whole situation. god i could just elaborate and go on a rant, but i will refrain. you're obviously doing what you want, so i won't stop you and i'll just get over it.

you might say i'm being dramatic or stupid but i don't give a fuck. i'm trying not to stress.

i hate entries that i write when i'm drunk.
idk why.

secretly, today makes me want to go jump in front of a semi, but i'm supressing that feeling and not letting it get the best of me.

now to get together with mary jane. she is my babe for the day. i'll be meeting up with mrs. pabst later tonight.

fuck.


crowley has a valentine though. hopefully him and mini don't get it on though.

i smoked dmt today. omg...

my close-eyes visuals were basically like a moving alex grey painting. i did't do that much though. next time i want to do mass because it was fucking intense. i want to snort it next time.

also, everyone add emily rose trimble. she has an lj now.

ertle.livejournal.com

also, a rant on the word 'an'. i believe that the rule with the words 'a' and 'an' should be more phonetical rather than grammatical. does that make sense? let me elaborate: like notice how i used it in the second sentence of this entry. 'lj' begins with a consonant but phonetically it begins with an 'e'. it just wouldn't sound right saying, "she has a lj now." it makes more sense saying, "she has an lj now." the english language is fucked up. i would hate to have to learn it as a second language, it would be so confusing.

i need to write more positive things in here. i'm not in a positive mood right now, so its not going to happen today. its just like, i write in here to get things out or to kill boredom.

last night and all of today i have been in a bad mood. like a gloomy, sad, almost angry feeling. with the exception of about 45 minutes today when i was in a good mood. its not the weather. i like overcast rainy days. i went to bellevue park to watch the clouds. they were amazing.

YES. a thunder storm just started. i think my bad mood is over. i'm in a good mood now. but only partially because of the thunder storm. i'll probably be in a bad mood again later.



UGH